The Bigger They Get

After finally falling asleep on the couch at about 2:30 this morning, I was awakened at 4:30 by Sebastian making a horrific shrieking noise while banging around in his crate. Immediately fearing that a piece of the pie pan was ripping a gaping hole somewhere in his digestive tract, I did what any conscientious and adoring pet owner would do - I rushed him outside to make clean up easier if he made a mess.

This next part is a little gross, so if you have a weak stomach, close your eyes for a minute…

Once outside, he ran in circles, trying to reach his own butt. I peeked under his tail and found what I thought to be a bit of very loose stool clinging to his fur.

Okay, you can open your eyes now.

Leaving him in the yard, I raced upstairs to wake Daughter to help me get him into the van, his most un-favorite thing in the world to do. I was afraid that without her help, I’d have to carry all 70 pounds of him to the van and my fear was that in lifting him, I’d cause further injury by squishing any sharp pie pan fragments into or through his internal organs.

After backing into Yes,Dear’s car as we tried to get out of the driveway - Hey, it was dark, okay? I totally forgot I had parked his car behind the van earlier in the evening. And I was stressed. And cross-eyed from lack of sleep. Whatever…we got Sebastian to the emergency vet by 5 a.m. They x-rayed his innards and found ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. No sparkly bits of aluminum which would have shown up on an x-ray like stars sprinkled across the night sky.

It was then it occurred to me that while Sebastian had managed to get the pie plate off of the table, it could very easily have been Buster who actually ate it. As I sat there envisioning poor Buster at home writhing on the floor, bleeding internally, in pain and alone, the doctor explained the following:

What I had seen under Sebastian’s tail was yuck from him expressing his anal glands. Apparently, in dogs, this is a rather skunk-like reaction to fear or trauma. Since Sebastian appeared to be fine and his x-ray was clear, he had probably had a terrible NIGHTMARE.

We paid $200 to find out that we should have taken him to a doggy shrink instead.

At least they cleaned his butt.

They did give me a copy of his x-ray on CD, which I planned to share here to show you what the inside of my perfectly healthy dog looks like, but the CD is corrupted. I’ve ordered a new copy and will share it as soon as I pick it up. Watch this space. For $200, I’m also planning to email it to everyone I know. I might even get it professionally framed.

Note: Buster appears fine.

Oh, and the search of the boys’ rooms was semi-successful. We now have four dinner plates. We’re going to call in the Navy Seals to dive into Son Two’s closet where we hope to find the remaining eight plates. And maybe a few forks. Because we’re **this** close to eating with our fingers. Off the floor.