The Bigger They Get

I was commiserating with Mrs. G over at Derfwad Manor last night. Mrs. G had written about this being her daughter’s last summer at home before leaving for college. Since many parents are in the same boat and this is something I have experience with, I’d like to offer other moms the same advice I shared with Mrs. G:

Replace your graduate with a puppy. You will be too busy training the new puppy to even notice your child is gone. I did it in 2002, see?

This is Sebastian. See how adorable he was? Note the innocence in that gorgeous little face.

Look at him now:

See how that look of innocence that sucked us in captured our hearts six years ago has morphed into the look of a dog with zip, zero, nada native intelligence amazing personality? I’ve compared Sebastian to Paris Hilton before and the comparison is apt. He is glamorous but he is not bright. He is low maintenance, hysterically funny and cuddly. Neither his behavior or his lack of measurable brain power reflect in any way upon my genetics or parenting abilities. In other words, he is the perfect worry-free replacement for a child who, while indescribably wonderful and loved more than life itself, may have at times made her baffled and overwhelmed parents wonder what they’d gotten themselves into.

Dogs have many advantages over kids, not the least of which are:

• They can’t talk
• They don’t leave wet towels on the bathroom floor
• They don’t ask for money
• They eat their own poop whatever’s put in front of them without whining

As Mrs. G pointed out, though, there are some husbands who may object to introducing a puppy into the home to fill the black, sucking hole left in a mother’s heart when a child leaves the nest. True. But there are strategies to overcome husbandly objections (if reciting the above list fails to sway him, that is). They include:

• Crying and begging Reasoned discussion
• Withholding sex Presenting a list of pros and cons
• Bribing your younger kids to beg Involving your younger children in the discussion
• Emotional Blackmail Having your children give your husband the puppy for Father’s Day
• Finally, telling your husband, Fine, you don’t want a puppy? Then you explain to the child whose absence will rip a black sucking hole in my heart that instead of being replaced by a sweet adorable puppy in need of rescue who would otherwise likely be euthanized, you think so little of him/her that he/she is being replaced by a HERMIT CRAB.

If that doesn’t do it, I can recommend an excellent divorce attorney.

Our daughter is leaving us again in August - for grad school this time. She’ll be 750 miles from home and will be taking out a 12 month lease on her first apartment. I’m feeling a black, sucking hole coming on. But we already have two dogs, so I’m open to suggestions.

How are you dealing with your child leaving home or, if you’ve already done it, what was your experience like?

This entry was posted on Monday, June 9th, 2008 at 5:53 pm and is filed under Tails from the Bark Side. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.